Let's start with this one...
SUBJECT: A Warning from the Dean (I got immediately nervous when I saw this...fortunately, it was addressed to all graduate students and not just me individually).
TO: Junior Members, Jesus College, Oxford
CC: Senior Membes and Staff, Jesus College Oxford
Please be reminded that you are not permitted to climb onto roofs, out of windows, or onto walls. (What?! I am not allowed to do these things?? Clearly, the people who are climbing onto roofs, out of windows, or onto walls, just forgot that this wasn't allowed.)
The College may fine, rusticate (?! What does rusticate mean? Is that latin?), or expel those who do. These are of course very minor outcomes when compared with lifelong paralysis (I don't know...being "rusticated" might be worse. It at least sounds awful...) or death. (Indeed. Who knew that authorities could be so passive-aggressive? I am glad that the college is just really looking out for my personal safety and well-being. And who said that Oxford wasn't concerned with student welfare?)
And then there was this one...(department fun)
SUBJECT: Methods Workbook
Just to remind you that the methods workbook (original assignments) is to be submitted to me by 12 noon this Friday. I will let you know when I have the statistics assignments as soon as I get them.
I know that you may be thinking that this isn't funny. But, that is because you need to know the background. Specifically, this is a reminder to turn in a series of assignments that we have already submitted (a convoluted process of turning back in marked assignments). BUT, the best part is that WE are being reminded to turn in assignments that we don't even have back yet at this point! Furthermore, these assignments didn't materialize until about an hour before they were due. But, hey, thanks for the reminder.
And one more....this is from a few weeks ago.
FROM: The Proctors
TO: All Students
SUBJECT: Post-Examination Celebrations
In our "normal" lives, the Proctors are Tutors (What is the difference again? I don't know what either of these terms really means...). In this capacity, we should like to wish you very good luck with your exams this summer. (But....)
However (I knew there was a but...), we're e-mailing about end of exam celebrations. (I knew people wouldn't e-mail to just say "good luck".)...In particular, there is a tradtition of the abuse of food in "trashing"...In previous years some members of the public have been injured by slipping on flour wet from champagne and eggs...You should also be aware that there have been cases in which potential employers have noted evidence of "trashing" displayed on websites (Like my college website? Because I saw pictures of this on the official site before I ever came to Oxford...)
...No flour, no eggs, no beans, kethup, let alone rotting foor or worse (What exactly would be "worse"? I feel like that just invites creativity...)...Closed champagne bottles (do you ever get to open it, or is it just an ornament?), flowers and balloons and biodegradable confetti are all fine! (Enthusiastic exclamation point!) But please (and after that brief interruption, now back to listing things that are NOT allowed)--NO FOOD ITEMS or GLITTER (what?!) or SILLY STRING (no silly string?!). Rotting food, vomit, broken glass and other items causing litter (that seems kind of extreme to lump ALL ITEMS CAUSING LITTER--like glitter--in with vomit and broken glass) are simply not what any of us wants to see (I am with you on the vomit and broken glass...not so much on the glitter). They are a disgrace and potentially dangerous. (again, see my previous comment. Death/danger by glitter?)
**In all fairness, the points made are (mostly) valid....most of the humor comes from the fact that at an institution full of mostly bright people, these things need to be said at all.